The choices I made
Often crowded You out
Assuming I thought of You
at all.

I stepped into Your shoes
Thinking I knew best but
More likely muddling through
With middling results to show.

For whatever reason – whether health,
Career focus, conflicts about motherhood
Lack of faith
I couldn’t get pregnant

So I face a life
Without children
Or generations to follow
It seemed all would die with me.

I closed down my feelings
My love, my creativity
I pedaled away on the hamster wheel
And lived life from the neck up

But nothing can blossom in this prison
Of failure-resentment-judgment-unforgiveness
That I created for myself
To keep me in check and in line.

Open me to life again, Adonai
Return my feet to Your path
Help me see myself
As You see me

Bursting with creativity
Fecund with talent
Abounding in goodness
Deserving of Your love for I am made in Your image.

Let me be fruitful
In the unique way
You have chosen for me
(Whatever that is)

Let me be
Joyously
Vibrantly
Unapologetically
Yours.