IN NEED OF REPAIR:
Greying hair
Droopy eyelids
Crow’s feet
Lip lines
Crepey chicken neck
Saggy boobs
Belly rolls of fat
Folds where there never used to be
Cellulite butt
Flabby inner things
Hair growing where I use testosterone
Achy back
Temperamental bunions

How did this happen to me?
In my mind I’m 36.
Never having had children, I never played “mother”
I jumped from college kid to crone
From thinking I have all the time in the world to create my perfect body
To a place where words like post-menopausal and bioidentical hormone replacement
Became part of my regular vocabulary.

All these years of disliking my body
Even in my 20s at 125lbs
Not hatred enough to want to take a knife to it,
Or, get off my ass and do something constructive like
Regular (not sporadic) weight-bearing exercise for tone …
I’ve just talked mean to my body for so long
I don’t know how to treat it differently.
Always finding something to criticize.

But yesterday, a fresh thought wafted through.
I don’t want to do that anymore.
I’m turning 60 soon
I don’t want to live the rest of my life
With this weight of loathing.
I want to love what is
To embrace who I am now and
Stop pretending I’m 20 – or 36.
To accept that though my skin may crepe
And my belly might not be taut
I have seen the blessing of 21,809 suns and
Relished the abundance of 65,426 meals
With many more to come, God willing.

I want a bigger life
Than I lived for those 30 years
In my cramped 500 sq. ft. NYC apartment
Feeling like a plant that had outgrown its pot
Trying to make it big
While playing small.

Now that I am rooted in Charleston
On ½ acre surrounded by tall trees
I want to let my genie out of her bottle
To stop wasting energy on disrespectful thoughts
To stop being conscious, critical,
Silently judging my body all the time
This waistband is too tight.
Is my back fat showing with this bra?
Does my skirt show my thick thighs too much?

I want my energy to feel like
The breeze that flows through my hair
On a late February afternoon in the South
— strong, soft, clear —
Not heavy with humidity or clogged with pollen
Large. Expansive. Free.
Joyous. Vibrant. Unapologetic.

I want to love my body as it is
As it ages
No longer seeing it as something broken to fix
— to laser, needle, contour, or slather with endless lotions –
But as something healthy and beautiful
On the path to becoming even more so.
No longer fighting against it
But working with it
No longer with disgust
But with delight.

So if I do go shopping for, say, neck cream —
Instead of freaking out if nothing happens
(because I thought it would be a magic pill for bodily perfection)
It’s just to play and have fun and
See what it can do.

And when do I work out or run 5K races
It won’t be to avoid getting fat and flabby and old
It’ll be to stay strong and active and
Enjoy what my body can do.

For I am magnificent already.